


hold each other, feel it; anyone can endure

by cute_lil_fluff



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 09:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17342507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: Seungkwan doesn’t understand what that feels like, to be rendered so anxious, to feel so out of control, to feel trapped inside your own head, as Hansol does now. Seungkwan doesn’t know how to fix that.updated 24/07/19





	hold each other, feel it; anyone can endure

Seungkwan catches the eye of one of their handlers, motioning towards Hansol with his head but trying to be subtle about it. Hansol is sat in the chair next to him but his head is lowered, his nose brushing against the table. Beneath the table, his hand is gripped around Seungkwan's thigh, silently asking for help. He's overwhelmed.

The handler turns to have a word with their nearest manager and then they're nodding at him, giving him permission to get Hansol out of there. It shouldn’t be too hard to come up with an excuse for them going missing. "Come on, Vernonie~ Let's go take a break." Seungkwan murmurs as he all but lifts Hansol out of his seat.

Hansol keeps quiet as Seungkwan directs him off the stage and through the first door they reach, lips pinched together. He leans heavily into Seungkwan's side once they're away from the noise and Seungkwan stops to hold him for a minute. He brushes Hansol's messy hair from his eyes and watches him, carefully noting the tension in his jaw and the crimson flush that is burning high on his cheekbones. He's overwhelmed and stressed out; Seungkwan needs to get him somewhere that he feels safe.

"Can you walk with me, Hansol-ah? I'll help you." Hansol nods, albeit distractedly, only making a move when Seungkwan tugs him into action. With their arms curled together they slowly make their way down the corridor. Seungkwan keeps one eye out for a free room- Hansol just needs some space and some silence, that should help.

Fan-signs are, honestly, one of Seungkwan's favourite parts of being an idol. He loves interacting with their fans, being able to talk with them face to face. He really enjoys them. He thrives off the environment and the atmosphere and the conversation- it only makes him want to work harder, to make their fans proud. Nevertheless, not all of the members feel the same way.

Minghao always worries about fan-signs- despite being fluent in Korean, he's always convinced that he'll misunderstand someone and cause trouble. Jeonghan doesn't love them either- he gets tired quickly, and fan-signs can take so long. He never wants to come across as unappreciative of their fans, but it’s hard to remain one hundred per cent enthusiastic when you’ve been sat in the same place for so many hours on end.

Hansol probably hates them the most, though. Even meeting one new person can be hard for him; he struggles to talk to strangers without overthinking everything he does, getting himself worked up over every word he says. So as can be imagined, meeting hundreds of people in one sitting is not his idea of a good time.

This signing is being held in some sort of conference centre, and the room they’d used to get ready before the event is still full of their stylists and other members of staff. Just around the corner, though, there’s a similar room which happens to be completely vacant.

“Here we are, baby. This will do.” Seungkwan pushes the door open with his hip, thanking his lucky stars that it isn’t locked, and hauls Hansol inside. He quickly switches on the ceiling lights before he focuses back on the boy trembling in his arms.

“You want the sofa or the floor?” Seungkwan asks him, watching as the younger blearily assesses his options. His eyes are foggy and his head feels too light to stay balanced on his neck- just looking from side to side makes him want to throw up. His skin is burning in every spot it’s touching the rough fabric of his clothing and his ribs are squeezing too tightly around his delicate lungs.

“Floor.” Hansol manages to mumble after a minute, his words slurring together a little bit. Seungkwan helps to lower him onto the carpet, Hansol immediately curling his legs up into his chest and hugging himself.

Seungkwan sits and watches him, hands itching to reach out to him but he hesitates. He doesn’t know how to touch him so that he won’t freak out. He doesn’t want to risk making him even more uncomfortable, so he keeps his fingers twisted into his own sleeves. Hansol doesn't acknowledge him, just sits there, gasping for breath. Seungkwan wishes he knew what to say to make him feel better, but he doesn't.

As a generalised rule, Hansol’s panic attacks come in two forms.

The easier to deal with- for lack of better wording, Seungkwan never feels like he’s forced to _‘deal with’_ Hansol’s anxiety- are the ones where he’s just anxious. When he’s scared and he cries and he just needs to feel safe again. Seungkwan can do that, he can hold Hansol in his lap and rock him from side to side, whispering familiar reassurance against the top of his head. He can feed the younger sips of water and wrap him up in a blanket and make him feel protected.

Seungkwan’s good at that, he understands that. Because, even though he will never know the true the extent of Hansol’s anxiety or the way his brain works when he’s panicking, on the most basic level, he knows how it feels to need protection. He understands feeling scared and vulnerable, and he knows how he can remedy that.

These panic attacks are the ones that Seungkwan struggles to help his boyfriend through. When Hansol’s overwhelmed by seemingly the simplest of things- sensory overload, Junhui calls it. When things totally mundane to Seungkwan- the tapping of a finger, the thud of footsteps, the bellow of voices- make Hansol’s skin crawl.

Seungkwan doesn’t understand what that feels like, to be rendered so anxious, to feel so out of control, to feel trapped inside your own head, as Hansol does now. Seungkwan doesn’t know how to fix that.

As Seungkwan watches Hansol, trembling and struggling to breathe, he’s hoping that Hansol is able to pull himself out of it. He hopes that the stillness and silence of the room are reassuring enough to pull him back from wherever he’s gotten stuck. Sometimes it is enough, hiding away and covering his ears can do the trick.

Today, though- Seungkwan has a feeling that time isn’t going to heal this.

“Hansol-ah.” Hansol flinches at the sound of his voice, cutting through the silence, and Seungkwan winces apologetically. “Sorry, baby, I just- do you want me to get help? I don’t know how to help you.” Admitting it brings a sting to Seungkwan’s heart.

Hansol coughs and splutters around his next ragged breath like he’s trying to say something but his mouth won’t cooperate to get the right word out. Seungkwan shushes him, gently. “Take your time, my lovely.”

"Jun." Hansol eventually manages to choke out, quickly pressing his mouth shut again afterwards, teeth clamping around his lower lip.

“Okay. Yes, Sollie, I’ll get Jun for you. Junhui will know what to do. Don’t worry, baby.” Seungkwan is already pulling his phone from his pocket, so glad that he had remembered to bring it with him. He dials the number of their manager, knowing that calling Junhui would be fruitless- they’re not allowed on their phones during fan-signs. He’d have to ignore it.

He speaks with their manager in a hushed voice, explaining the situation quickly, not wanting to disrupt Hansol’s silence for any longer than necessary. Thankfully, he agrees, and Junhui is poking his head around the door less than five minutes later.

Jun smiles sadly when he spots the pair, closing the door softly and taking quiet steps to reach them. “My Hansollie’s not feeling great, huh?” He murmurs as he gets to his knees. His eyes wash over the entirety of Hansol’s body, assessing every tremble and noting every twitch with his meticulous gaze.

At the familiar sound of his voice, Hansol looks up. Seungkwan chews on his thumb nail, the sight of Hansol’s sore eyes and wet cheeks making his hands ache with the need to hold him. “Junnie,” Hansol says, his voice no more than a whisper choked by tears.

“I’m here, sweetheart. It’s okay.” Junhui reassures him, reaching a hand out to thumb away the spot of drool at the corner of his mouth. “What do you need me to do Hansol? What will make you feel better?” Hansol frowns as he thinks, taking longer than usual to come up with an answer to Junhui’s question. Everything takes longer when he feels like this.

The rate of Hansol’s breathing increases as he tries to figure out what to say, words refusing to form in his brain. He looks up to Junhui desperately- he just wants this to stop. _How does he tell Jun that?_

“Okay, scratch that, Hansol. I’m sorry. Listen, how about I tell you what I need you to do? Yeah?” Hansol nods. “I need you to slow your breathing down, alright? I need you to focus on your breathing and nothing else. Can you try that for me?”

Hansol nods again, Seungkwan and Junhui both sighing in relief.

Slowly, but not cautiously, Junhui shuffles around on the floor until he’s sat behind Hansol. “I’m going to hold you, is that alright?” Junhui asks. More nodding.

Jun shuffles forwards until Hansol is in the space between his legs and Jun can hold the younger against his chest, both arms wrapped around his shoulders. Hansol’s head falls into the familiar cradle of Jun’s shoulder, his nose tucking into the dip of his collarbone. Junhui’s arms apply just enough pressure to hold him together- they’ve got this routine perfected.

“Close your eyes, Hansol-ah. Focus on slowing down that breathing.” Junhui repeats. Hansol does what he says, concentrating on the rise and fall of his chest. Junhui’s arms around him help to ground him, the thoughts in his head finally coming into some sort of order. “There you go, that’s it, sweetie. You’re doing so well.”

When Hansol’s breathing is finally steady again, he squirms in Junhui’s hold. Jun relaxes his grip, smiling fondly as Hansol reaches out for Seungkwan with no feeling in his arms, his hands all loose and floppy. Seungkwan immediately wraps Hansol up in a hug, pressing his face to the younger’s hair, happy to be able to do something for him.

Hansol’s still a little zoned out when they get him onto the sofa, splayed across Seungkwan’s chest, but he’s calmer. He looks about ready to fall asleep, actually, and so Junhui leaves them with a kiss to Hansol’s head to find their manager again.

Seungkwan rubs a hand up and down Hansol’s back, his other hand combing through his mop of hair. They just lie together in silence for a while, Seungkwan watching Hansol’s face as he slowly relaxes, the tension he’s been holding for the past few hours leaking from his shoulders.

“Kwannie, I don’t want to go back out there.” Seungkwan is startled by the how weak Hansol sounds. He always falls into this trap- thinking that Hansol’s going to be completely fine again once he’s breathing normally and he’s happy to be held again. He’s always wrong.

“Then you don’t have to.” Seungkwan replies, dropping a few kisses along the path of Hansol’s hairline.

“But the fans-”

“Hey. Your health comes first, and if any of them really care about you, they’ll understand. You have no need to worry.” Hansol sighs, but it’s more out of frustration than acceptance. He doesn’t say anything else about the matter, so Seungkwan leaves him be. Instead, he cuddles Hansol close and makes sure that he knows that, when he is in Seungkwan’s arms, he is protected

“I’m sorry if I made you feel bad,” Hansol says, after a while, his voice so quiet Seungkwan almost misses it completely. Hansol’s not looking at him, he’s hidden his face in Seungkwan’s neck so that he can’t. Seungkwan’s about to speak, but Hansol cuts him off. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t help me like only Junnie could.”

Seungkwan hesitates, biting his lip for a moment. It’s frustrating when he can’t help Hansol, sure, and maybe he feels bad about it. But it’s not Hansol’s fault, and it’s not his either. He thinks for a moment before he responds. He doesn’t want to mess this up.

"My job as your boyfriend, as your friend, is to keep you happy and safe. And if to do that, I need to let someone else look after you, then that's what I'm going to do, and I'm not going to get upset about it.” Hansol props his chin on Seungkwan’s chest to look up at him. His eyes are still red but he’s looking at Seungkwan with such adoration, Seungkwan can’t help but kiss him. “I don't need you to be happy because of me, I just need you to be happy."

**Author's Note:**

> the ending of this is not at all what i wanted it to be
> 
> hope you liked <3
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](https://hattieie.tumblr.com)
> 
>  **updated 24/07/19**  
> 
> requested by petal and [meforeverz](https://meforeverz.tumblr.com/)


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